Life on Hold

This is the first time in my college life that I’ve had to seriously worry about exam results. Up til now, the academics part of my college life has never been that much of a problem. Sure I’ve had to put in the time and actually study, but it’s all been manageable. And that’s why I thought this math exam shouldn’t be any different.

I mean it’s not like I didn’t study for it. I studied my ass off. But math has alwaysbeen my kryptonite. And the fact that this year’s paper was abnormally harder didn’t help.

So now my situation is this: the passing mark is 40 and I’ve done the math (see what I did there?) and figured I score around 35 to 45. Which means I’m either barely passing, or..well.

And I am stressing out. I’m anxious, nervous, scared, and stressed. Maybe it’s because I’ve never had to worry about the consequences of failing a subject before. If I fail this, I don’t get into the course I want, I’ll have to wait til January to continue college, I’ll have to go back to working with my Dad until then, I already booked a trip to Phuket for September which I wanna enjoy instead of wallowing in guilt for going on a vacation undeserved. What makes it worse is that the school doesn’t even have an exact date of when they will release results.

I feel like life is being put on hold for me while I wait for my results. It’s constantly at the back of my head, and even when I’m not thinking about it, it’s subconsciously eating away at my thoughts. I automatically think about it when my mind is idle, I think about it before I sleep. When I’m having a good time I get reminded that I might not pass and feel guilty for having a good time. I can’t plan ahead for anything because everything depends on my passing or failing this subject. 

All I wanna do is open the site on that day and see my results, and see that Ipass the damn thing. Then I’ll be free. Then I can resume my life.